Yesterday, I finished reading Shin, Kyung-Sook's Please Look After Mom and I cried. My boyfriend turns to
me and asked, is it really
that sad? Yes, it is a sad book. It's a book that was written to make
the reader have another perspective of his mom as a person beyond 'mom'. And I cried because I
felt ashamed as a daughter because I had left my mom in her condition. I don't
deny mom's health condition but yet, I choose to leave my mom's side so that I
could live a free life. I am a shame of what I choose to do and when I asked my
mom about my decision before I left about how she thought about it and how she
felt about, it was a stupid thing to do because I knew that she couldn't fully
tell me how she felt or what she wanted from me, as her daughter. I knew that
in her state, she couldn't tell me how she felt, so she told me through her
tears.
A shame
I am, that I felt and understood her tears, yet I left. A shame I am, that I
told myself, it's gonna be alright, she's gonna be alright, I'm gonna be
alright. Out of my habit to assume things, I said to myself 'I know mom
is sad and it is difficult for her to see me go.' I didn't
hear, 'don't go my daughter' from
my mom's lips, but I didn't need to hear it because I felt it and
saw it but I didn't listen to her.
I thought, 'but she's so use to see me go and come, she'll be okay.
And I know mom wants the best for me. And for me, this is the best.' I
selfishly answer my question that I asked my mom. Now I realize, I didn't
ask-ask her, I "asked" to tell her I am going.
A
sentence in the book, the one that hit me the hardest is, 'Habit can be
a frightening thing.' My habit...my damn habit. Please be aware and
be careful of your relationship habits; they are how we hurt people and mostly,
the people we love.
I can't
undo what I have done. I can only be filled with guilt and shame but I do not hate
this guilt and shame, rather, I want to release myself from them. I want to
reflect on them and tell myself how I need to change. They are a part of me, of
who I am. They also reflect the person my mom is, always loving, no matter the
outcome.
To my
mom, who loves me effortlessly and endlessly. I am truly sorry for the pains I
have caused you, the restless night I gave you, and the tears you shed when I
hurt you. I am sorry and I love you. I am thankful to have you as my mom. You
are such a beautiful person. I hope I can grow up to be half as great as you.
Thank you.
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If you are interested in the book here is information about the book:
Author: Kyung-Sook ShinTitle: Please Look after Mother
Publisher: Orion Books, Hachette Book Group
ISBN: 978-0-7538-2907-3
Genre: Literary Fiction
Traveling from their home in the Korean countryside to visit their now-grown children in Seoul, an aging couple find themselves separated from each other in a busy subway station: “Mom and Father rushed toward the subway that had just arrived. Father got on, and when he looked behind him, Mom wasn’t there. . . . Mom was pulled away from Father in the crowd, and the subway left as she tried to get her bearings.” A search ensues — an entire family mobilized to find the missing matriarch, Park So-nyo. Fliers are posted and distributed by hand. The children follow up on sightings throughout the city, but leads fall flat. The crisis creates “a fissure” in the family’s daily lives, and soon bickering and blame unfold in equal measure.
